SPUME

SEEKING: HELP
By A.J. Dee

None of our posted articles have gone successfully through for months. I am writing this in the slim chance that this essay does. My first piece of advice is to never agree to a hiring contract that you haven’t read completely. When I worked at Apple they made me hunch over in the back room Friday nights and manually drain phone batteries, but even that was better fine print than this.

It became clear to me that I was part of a randomly-selected test group, designed to evaluate whether or not utilizing time technology would be an economic boon for Spume. If this sounds like a bad idea, it patently is, which is why my supervisors or their associates never bothered to go public with this information. Furthermore, even if a big-name company such as Amazon revealed that they had developed time-travel technology, would you believe them? No. So why would they bother to tell the public about it?

But back to business: my supervisors decided that the best way to reduce costs was to only pay rent for certain months, and keep sending employees back to those periods for work. As a result I am perpetually trapped in April, May, and June of 2017, when office costs were low, and am supposed to be allowed into the present once every four weeks.

None of the people who pay my salary anticipated the end result: that not all of our articles would make their way to the present day. They did not anticipate having difficulty getting out of 2017; thus, our designated 2019 Privileges recently became restricted to upper-management. Which is a shame because quite frankly they usually spend it at a tiki bar, or Designer Shoe Warehouse.

The good people at Amazon know what phrases are accepted through the time algorithm, but they haven’t told us; so as a result we are writing about as many different topics as possible. I am working overtime churning out essays on any and all topics in the hope that the algorithm accepts one of them, and someone hears my prayers, and can work out how to get us back. I need a new job.