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THE BEST THEORETICAL SOFAS AVAILABLE

1. An Ode to the Concept of Loss

Twitter’s @FelixOrion gives us a lusciously minimalist ode to the concept of loss, with spare design evoking the isolation of grief.

2. Speaking Across the Aisle

@rudermensch has spent $15,000 theoretical dollars on a couch, which has enough room for all of your racist relatives to pretend to listen to you. The design master reminds us that “the usa is a genocidal white supremacist empire and has active concentration camps. Support your local socialist org and work to build dual power institutions for when the bourgeois state is annihilated.”

3. Dungeon Crawler

This cozy addition is a far more comfortable alternative to anything you’d find in Crypt of the Necrodancer; here you can curl up and listen to music, while imagining that you’ve actually succeeded all the way to Zone 5. Maybe your old friends are curled up all the way down in the middle. Maybe there’s a hand-clapping Yeti behind that couch cushion. It’s not quite a randomly-generated couch sectional, but far closer than humanity ever came before.

4. Couchopticon

Reinforce existing social norms through a soft ‘n’ comfy device, wherein a tiny man hides within the storage sectional in the center. He might or might not be peering out at you through tiny binoculars that point out of the fabric weave, so you must be on your best behavior at all times. Make sure none of your friends step a hair out of place, while maintaining your appearance of hospitality and respectability.

5. The Mega Bed

Primarily this design is meant to assert dominance over intruders. You’ll steal my belongings? You’ll never steal my entire bed. Cut off one bed and four more sectionals appear in its place. My storage ottomans have storage ottomans. I’m poor in cash but rich in beds. This entire couch is for me to sleep on. $6,560.00

6. The Dinner Party Pad

This sofa is specifically meant to concentrate conversations in the center, so that people forced to sit on the outer “arms” of the couch are gradually excluded from everything going on. Smaller conversations will start to take place on each of the outer arms, but they won’t be as lively as the one in the center, which will be so loud that it will overpower all others. An all-white fabric makes everyone even more anxious about accidentally spilling food.

7. The Labyrinth

“There are two types of people. Those that walk to the center. And those that hop.”

8. An Economy Based on Endless Growth is Unsustainable

I hit my “You cannot build any larger!” limit earlier than anticipated, and as such received a much-needed lesson in unsustainable growth; just as my couch has an upper-limit based on sofa physics, capitalism has an upper limit based on what the environment can provide. But unlike the IKEA sofa planner, there is no friendly warning beforehand, only the gradual decay of all we’ve seen thus far. Sofas!



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